A Brand New Nona
by FourHourShower
Summary: Nona decides to get in touch with her inner child. Sam and Cat, however, don't really feel like babysitting. Contains suggestive adult themes and coarse language. 16 plus. Reader discretion is advised.
1. Chapter 1

Sam and Cat approach the front door of the house, carrying shopping bags.

CAT: "So I said, ' _You want some customer_ feedback, _huh? Well, you'll find your feedback in the_ TOILET, _mister, 'cause that's where I puked out that disgusting hamburger you just served me!_ "

Sam and Cat, laughing hysterically, walk into the house. They go silent and stop dead in their tracks when they see Goomer lying naked on the couch. Nona is sitting at an easel, painting Goomer's nude portrait.

Sam slowly opens one of her shopping bags, and quietly spits into it.

NONA: "Oh, howdy-ho girls. How was your shopping trip?"

CAT: "... No. ... just... don't."

Nona, wide eyed, looks surprised and genuinely hurt.

CAT: "You _know_ neither Sam or I can ever sit on that couch again, right?"

SAM: "... Or get a good night's sleep. ... Or eat. ... Anywhere. ... Ever."

NONA: "Oh, girls, calm your cooties. The naked body is nothing to be ashamed of. We _all_ have one. Cat has one. Sam has one. Even your _Nona_ has a naked body! _"_

GOOMER (sitting up): "EWWWW! THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

NONA: "Well, it's _true._ And I for one can't help it if you _prudes_ can't get over this fact."

CAT: "Well, it's nice that you express your creative side, Nona. I just wish you'd pick more... tasteful subject matter."

GOOMER (angrily): "Hey! I'm _taste_ ful!" (Goomer licks his arm to make sure, shifty eyes.)

NONA: "Oh, Cat. Perhaps you're just too young to understand how important this sort of personal expression is to somebody like me. With all your Madonna music videos and your Wild Wild Web today (Sam shakes her head) you youngsters take freedom of expression for granted. After all these years of trying to be an upstanding grown-up citizen, it feels so _liberating_ to just get to... play in the mud again!"

CAT: (gasps) "You were playing in the _mud_?"

SAM: "It's a figure of speech, you wind farm!"

NONA: "No. It's _true._ We played in the _mud_ today. It was _Goomer's_ idea." (Goomer smiles at Nona. Nona smiles back.)

Nona picks up the canvas she's been painting and begins to turn it around.

NONA: "Here, let me show you what I've -"

SAM AND CAT: "NO! DON'T!"

SAM: "...we've seen _ENOUGH_!"

Sam and Cat head towards their bedroom, avoiding eye contact with either Nona or Goomer along the way.

CAT: "I can't believe it. _Pornography!_ In _my_ home!"

NONA: "It's not _pornography_!"

She hears the bedroom door slamming shut.

NONA (to Gooomer): "Sheez. _Everyone's_ a critic."

GOOMER: "Or... maybe the nude portrait is by now considered such a tired, hackneyed concept, and the art connoisseur of today demands more originality in expression. I don't blame Sam and Cat for reacting the way they do. With the over-sexualization of their culture, especially during their adolescence, perhaps psychologically, their entire generation yearns for a respite from nudity and sexualized themes, in exchange for more intellectual discourse."

Nona stares at Goomer sternly for a few long seconds.

NONA: "... I'm not paying you to talk."


	2. Chapter 2

Sam and Cat are talking in private in their shared bedroom.

SAM: "Who does your Nona think she is? She can't just barge into our apartment anytime she wants and turn it into a... house of... ill repute."

CAT: "Gesundheit."

SAM: "... Couldn't she take Goomer's naked butt over to _her_ place and do her... naked butt art over at Elderly Acres?"

CAT: "Well, I guess that sort of thing is frowned upon in old folks homes. If they let one naked butt in, then they gotta let _all_ the naked butts in and pretty soon, they're gonna run out of clean chairs."

Cat goes into her closet and pulls out three colorful paintings.

SAM (popping open a Blue Dog Soda): "What've you got there?"

CAT: "I use to love painting when I was younger. Look. This one's from grade six. It's a flower vase, isn't it pretty? And this one is of a princess in a garden."

SAM: "...umm, is that princess eating a can of Bibble?"

CAT (putting the painting away, defensively) "...No. ...Maybe."

CAT: "Sam, didn't you ever do any painting at school?"

SAM: "Well, I remember finger painting once in kindergarten."

CAT: "Aw, that's cute. What did you paint?"

SAM: "... my fingers."

CAT: (thinking for a second) "... Aw, that's cute."

SAM: "Hey wait, what about _that_ one?" Sam points at a third painting Cat didn't really show her.

Cat reluctantly reveals a third painting. It's very dark and moody, mostly in black, dark grays and some very dark blues.

CAT: "Oh. This? It's nothing."

Sam pivots the canvas and takes a good look. She sees a dark, foggy forest in black with a sad-looking devil-girl dressed in black and dark-blue, holding a candle, crying. There are splashes of dried black paint dripping over the canvas, partially obscuring the image.

SAM: "Whoa. ... You've got some pretty dark stuff there. ...You know, I _like_ this one. How come I don't see this side of you more... oft...en..."

Sam's speech trails off to nervous silence, surprised to see Cat giving her a scary, furrow-brow evil look.

CAT: "..."

SAM: "...ooo...kay... I'm just gonna... give that... back to you..."

Cat takes the painting while still staring a hole through Sam's eyes. Cat puts the painting back into the closet.

There's a knock at the bedroom door.

NONA'S VOICE: "Ladies, big scary hairy Goomer's gone now. You can come out now."

Sam opens the door violently, while at the same time screaming like a monster "AARRRRRGGHHHH!" Nona screams out, startled, running away down the hall. Sam just laughs, taking a swig of her Blue Dog.

 **(picture collage)**


	3. Chapter 3

Sam and Cat walk into the living room. Nona is flirting with a pizza delivery guy at the front door.

NONA: "Hello there, young man. What's _your_ name?"

PIZZA GUY: "Uhh... Rick?"

NONA: "Oh. Hello, _RICK_. That food smells (inhales deeply) _delicious_. I don't know how, I could possibly... _repay_ you for it. (Smiles flirtatiously, tilting head, batting eyes).

PIZZA GUY: "Uhh... That'll be twenty four sixty nine?"

NONA (smiling mischievously): "Oh, don't even _go_ there, Rick."

SAM: "Okay that's enough!"

Sam walks to the door, grabs the pizza box out of Rick the pizza guy's hands, and barks insanely into his face, and he runs away. Sam shuts the door, without paying, opens the pizza box and helps herself to a slice.

CAT: "Nona, what on Battlefield Earth were you doing over there with that pizza face?"

NONA: "Oh, just a little casual flirting, that's all. Can't a girl just have a little fun here and there anymore?"

SAM: "Oh, THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

Nona and Cat look over at Sam.

SAM: "...You put _black olives_ on a _pizza?_ PFHHTTHH." (Sam spits a bit of pizza into the box, plops the half-eaten slice back into the box, and shuts the lid.)

CAT: "Flirting? Nona, what's gotten into you? Why are you acting so strangely all of a sudden?"

NONA: " _Strangely?_ There's nothing 'strange' about flirting! Cat, I can't help it if I have a certain, _je ne sais quoi_ when it comes to meeting handsome younger men. I just smile, turn on my charm, and they just seem to, somehow, pop into my life these days."

CAT: "Wait. Then how do you know so much about flirting all of a sudden?"

NONA: (laughs) "'All of a _sudden_!' You know, I wasn't _always_ an elderly."

SAM: "Ewww."

NONA: "Oh yes, back in my day, fresh out of college in Buffalo, New York... you know, in those days, we'd call it ' _The 'Lo_ ',..." (Sam shakes her head impatiently)

NONA: "My friend Becky Beckingdale and I would be like bunnies, hopping around from bar to bar, club to club, party to party, box social to box social..."

SAM: (impatiently) "...and sea to shining sea. Get on with it!"

NONA: "... And so we got to practice getting all the boys to buy us drinks. Eventually, Becky and I developed a friendly, let's say, _competition_."

SAM: "Please tell me it ended tragically."

NONA: "... It _DID!_ How did you _know_?"

SAM: (looking serious) "Magic."

NONA: "Well, the competition got a little _fierce,_ and let's just say, jealousy got the better of Becky because, frankly, I was _better_ than Becky."

CAT: "Better than Becky. That'd be a good band name." (Sam points at Cat with a nod)

NONA: "One day, Becky took it upon herself to "inform" Bob McAdoo, the Buffalo Braves legend I was dating at the time, that I had 'The Sick'. Well, one thing led to another, and that bijon was last seen in the place beyond the pines, if you know what I mean."

CAT: (gasps) "You _killed_ her?"

NONA: " _WHAAAT?_ No! She moved back home to Schenectady!"

SAM: "ARRRGHH! STOP! NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS STORY!"

NONA: "But wait, the story doesn't end there."

SAM: "Yes it does."

Sam shoves a slice of pizza into Nona's mouth.

The front door opens, and Rick the Pizza Delivery Guy sticks his head in.

PIZZA GUY: "Uhh... you guys still owe me twenty four sixty ni-"

Sam shoves a slice of pizza into Pizza Guy's mouth.

CAT: "Hey, any left for me?"

Sam shoves a slice of pizza into Cat's mouth.

CAT: (mumbling with her mouth stuffed) "Tang ewe."


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Cat, yawning in her pink pajamas, walks sleepily into the living room. She hears an eerie whistling behind the front door.

CAT: "...Spooky."

Then there's a light rumble on the door.

CAT: "...Unsettling."

White powder blows in from under the door, into the house.

CAT: "...Abnormal!"

Cat cautiously opens the front door. Her little worried face pokes out through the slowly opening door to find Venice Beach, California is somehow in the middle of a snow storm. Thick snow is blowing everywhere and the snow is over ankle-high on the ground.

CAT: "Santa? Is that you?"

Sam, yawning in her pajamas and mismatched socks, walks sleepily into the living room. A snowball flies across the room and hits her in the face. She slowly turns her head to face Cat.

CAT: (smiling) "There's more from where that came from."

Sam chases Cat out into the snow. Sam, in her socks, starts hopping on the snow, shocked by the sudden cold. "Oh. AH! AKH! What the schnell?! It's _SNOWING_!"

CAT: "Wow. Nothing gets past you, huh Sam?"

Sam runs at Cat and tackles her into the snow. They wrestle about on the snow, every once in a while picking up handfuls of snow and dumping it on to eachother. Cat pulls Sam's collar and dumps a handful of snow down her shirt.

SAM: "Okay! Okay! Safe word! Safe word!"

CAT: "If you can't take the cold, get out of the kitchen!"

They both get up to their feet, hands held out, looking up in wonder at all the falling snow.

SAM: "I can't believe it. It's a Christmas miracle! And I'm not even Christian!"

CAT: "It's so beautiful. And weird! It's BEARD!"

Sam, laughing, draws triangles in the snow with her finger.

SAM: "Cat, look. I'm making _snow angles_."

CAT: "You mean snow _angels_."

SAM: "(sighs)...It snows in Los Angeles maybe once in a lifetime. _Please_ don't ruin the joke."

Meanwhile, inside the house, Nona is sleeping on the couch, completely covered under a blanket. She begins to stir, and stands up, her eyes still closed. She sleep walks towards the front door, shuts it, and locks it.

Sam and Cat run to the door, pounding on it. "HEY!"

Nona sleep walks back towards the couch and goes back to sleep.

Sam and Cat desperately try to open the door. It won't budge. Sam and Cat are stuck outside, freezing. They begin rubbing their arms, shivering, and huddling close together.

CAT: "UGGH! My BOOGERS are freezing!"

SAM: "Who the heck shut this door? HEY! Open up in there!"

Sam takes a few steps away from the door, braces herself, taking two heavy breaths.

SAM: "Okay. I'm going in."

Sam charges at the door. Just before she could collide with it, Nona swings the door wide open. Sam narrowly misses Nona, spills into the house, sliding shoulder-first across the floor with a thud.

CAT (pointing and laughing at Sam): "A-HAHAHAHA! A-HAHAHA!"

SAM (getting up, embarassed): "I _meant_ to do that."

NONA (shutting the front door, pulling Cat inside): "Girls! What were you doing out in the snow?! You'll catch a cold!"

CAT: "Nona, what are you doing here?"

NONA: "Well, I _was_ sleeping like a baby until you started banging on the door and making all that racket."

Nona sits down on the couch. Sam and Cat sit next to her to either side.

CAT: "But what are you doing sleeping _here?_ When did you get in?"

NONA: "Let's see. Well, last night I took a group of residents from Elderly Acres out for a fun night on the town. I guess we must have missed curfew and got locked out of Elderly Acres. So, I decided to crash _here_."

SAM: "Wait. What about the other elderlies? Where did _they_ spend the night?"

NONA: (thinking, looking scared) "Hmm. I hadn't thought about that. Ahhh... they'll be fine. Life's too short to worry about every single little detail."

Nona turns on the television machine. On the tv screen lower third reads the headline "SNOW STORM PARALYZES L.A.". Accompanying it is a series of short video clips of bumper to bumper gridlock traffic, cars skidding out of control, kids walking through waist-high snow, and a shot of Goomer with his tongue stuck on a metal pole as the fire department helps get him free.

NONA: "See? With all this global w... freezing... the end of the world is upon us. (looking Sam and Cat up and down) I'm afraid your days are numbered, girls."

 **ON TV: WEATHER REPORTER:** "It's a frigid twenty three degrees in L.A. this morning. So dads, remember to bundle up your little ones snugly. ... Oh, and make sure the _kids_ are dressed warmly, too." (winks like a douche-bag).

NONA: "I _told_ ya. Hell is _literally_ freezing over. We don't have much time left, so I say 'if it feels good, _do_ it."

Nona takes out a marijuana joint, and lights it up.

SAM AND CAT: "WHOA!"

CAT: "NONA! You can't do that!"

NONA: (taking a hit from the joint, coughing) "Are you sure? You must not know _shit_ about physics, Cat, because I _just did_!"

SAM: "Do you even have a prescription?"

Nona chuckles, as smoke sputters out of her mouth.

NONA: "Hey, let's say you girls wake and bake us some breakfast, huh? 'Cause I'm not going out in _this_ weather!"

SAM: "Maybe not. But you're definitely going out in _that_ weather."

Sam starts pushing Nona up off the couch and towards the front door.

NONA: "Hey!"

SAM: "Bye!"

But before they reach the door, a group of four elderlies walk in through the front door.

SAM: "Jeez! Don't people knock anymore?"

ELDERLIES: "Hey _THERE_ she is! NONA!"

SAM: "Wait. Your name is _actually_ Nona?"

Nona ignores the question.

NONA: "Oh hiya, gang! It's so nice of you to stop by."

ELDERLY: "Nice? Whadda _you_ know about _nice?_ Because of your crooked carousing all over town, _we_ had to spend the night in the pokey! When the flatfoots came around, ya dumped the hooch on us and scrammed! Ya _ditched_ us! Ya scampered off like a yellow bellied rat!"

NONA: "Say, Wilbur. You look tense." (offers her joint) "Why not just one quick, deep, relaxing toke? For old time's sake."

ELDERLY: "Well, alright."

The other three elderlies start protesting. "Hey, wait a minute. Wait a darn tootin' minute!"

NONA (holding up a ziplock baggie full of weed, smiling): "Don't worry, there's more from where _that_ came from."

OTHER THREE ELDERLIES: "Oh okay!" "Alright, then!"

Sam and Cat look worriedly at each other.

 **(TOY COMMERCIALS!)**


End file.
